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Let’s Talk About Death …Fearlessly!

By Sonia Miller | April 19, 2009

Dear Seekers,

Thank you to all who have written and called with messages of love and support during this time with my mother.  Although I am not able to stay connected with all of you the way I’d like, I never stop thinking about my fellow seekers.

Recently, I sent out one of my “mom update” emails to family and friends.  One of my dear friends, a New Thought Practitioner and minister-in-training wrote back with a letter that, for me, was so steeped in the beauty and power of life experience and spiritual wisdom, that I felt compelled to share it with all of you. 

I realize that this is an intimate, special kind of letter – not something I would normally direct to my more general “seeker-public.”  But I really feel guided to post it here.  Why?  I’m not totally sure, but I think in part it is because I sense that someone out there, who is supporting a loved one through the end stage of life, needs this letter.  And in part I think it is because I tend to feel that people don’t talk about death and dying freely enough. 

There is so much fear around death.  As a result the topic gets shrouded in mystery.  It seems to me that death and dying conversations are usually contained within professional or structured settings such as hospitals, grief support groups, counseling, or with hospice professionals.  But the fact is that no matter how much we resist it, death is a part of life.  Just as much as birth is.  People talk about birth all the time.  Not just at their doctors appointments and Lamaze classes, but over coffee, at dinner parties, over a beer, and at the park.  Men and women share their birth stories with little censorship – the funny, the challenging, the beautiful and the gross.  They talk about it graphically.  They talk about it with emotion.  They talk about it with reverence.  And they talk about it humor.

I’ve had the good fortune to be able to talk about death and dying in this way.  Maybe it is because my father died at 50 and I was forced to face death and my fears about it at a relatively young age.  The fact that I’m a counselor dictates that I’m a big believer in talking about things, breaking the binds of “taboo status,” and bringing scary things out of the shadows and into the light.  I remember many a conversation with my dear friend and hospice nurse, Angela.  I loved hearing her talk about her work.  Our conversations would range from explorations of the sacred to almost-guilty laughter at the morbidly, ridiculously horrible.  As she would say, “You have to have a sense of humor to do this kind of work, or you’d go crazy!”

And so… it is with this in mind, that I share Sharon’s beautiful letter to me in its entirety.  I hope that it will be helpful to those it is meant for, and that this post may support others in taking one more step toward embracing this sacred and unavoidable part of life.

Blessings and Gratitude,

Sonia

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MY FRIEND’S LETTER TO ME:

Sonia Dear,

I’ve been thinking about you and your mom a lot lately…sounds like you are doing everything you can possibly do to midwife her through these stages of her life–and more before now if I’m not mistaken.  I remember it all so well and I love being able to say that I have no regrets and I gave my best.  I know you’ll always be able to have that too, just because of who you are.  It’s funny but, at the time, I thought I was giving up so much of my life to the care of my parents and now it just seems like a moment in time.  You see, that was my life and I guess I thought my life was supposed to look different.

So breathe…every moment is your life now and it is perfect, just as it is and you are right where you are supposed to be and were destined to be since the beginning of time.  You are at your divine appointment, and your mother has met you there. 

And about moving your mother from here to there, I remember worrying about all of the physical twists and turns, changes, emergencies…until I really learned what it is to accompany someone.  I know I’ve said this before, but when I was going through this, I think I felt like, if I were to let go of control, then I would be letting go of my loved one…so rather than being in the grief, I sat at the controls as if I could actually have control over any of it.

 
It was just like when I planned my home birth and we made all of these preparations…the LaBoyer bath, the sterile equipment, the nurses, the doctor…and then when I was actually giving birth, I realized that I could have cared less where I was.  I could have been in a train station for all that I was aware of in my surroundings.

That’s the way to look at things my dear friend.  It’s great that you can make the arrangements to move your mother up to the care she needs and then, Sonia, you’ve got to trust the Divine Planner and allow IT to take over the reigns.  All you have to do is hand over your heart and allow yourself to free fall into the arms of the Infinite.  You are the observer now sweet heart.  You see, in Quantum Physics, we must have an observer in order to have a manifestation.  Remember, there has to be a collapse, a discontinuity in order for there to be an actualization.  It’s perfectly alright for you to be frightened, frustrated, on edge all the time–waiting for the phone call or the shoe to drop or someone to need something from you when you just don’t have any more give–it’s okay to be coming apart…God steps in quite nicely right about then and comforts like no other.  These are your defining moments in your relationship with God as Sonia, the indwelling presence that we talk about so easily when all is well.  These are your defining moments where you get to trust God as your mother and know that she has her very own, individual journey and you are her witness.  You are her observer, her witness.  These defining moments are building you into the mother, friend, wife, person, spiritual leader that you are called to be.

You are learning one of the biggest lessons of life in parenting your parent and midwifing her rebirth.  You are preparing for yet another experience where your child will learn to do the same for you and so on for eternity.  Breathe my friend, and allow Spirit to fill your lungs, pumping the necessary energy of love and support into every cell of your body.  You are not in control.  This is you, free falling, like that Tom Petty song.  You have no control over any of this and after you give your best, take your hands off it and allow God to take the reigns…OMG, I think I just fell into a country western song, Jesus Take The Wheel…guess that’s it from me then.  Looks like I need to do my own prayer work.

Always here for you…
Blessings of Love & Peace,
In Joy,
Sharon

Topics: Uncategorized | 2 Comments »

2 Responses to “Let’s Talk About Death …Fearlessly!”

  1. Suzanne Cheryl Gardner Says:
    April 20th, 2009 at 8:53 pm

    Sharon is my dear best friend, music partner of many years and now a spiritual mentor for others…she has grown in wisdom and is quite frankly the most supportive person I know. Seeing her letter here gives me a great sense of pride and honor that I know her and love her so deeply. Thank you for sharing her thoughts as I know she will touch hearts!

  2. Sonia Miller Says:
    May 29th, 2009 at 2:54 pm

    Yes indeed! Sharon is a wise and caring soul. And I am so grateful for her selfless service and loving friendship.

    Thank you for visiting.

    Blessings,
    Sonia

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